Alibi
I've been many people since I saw you last
Every one a little closer to my very best
This post has absolutely nothing to do with Illini anything. It's one of those "I need to get this out so I can clear the cache and get my brain in the right spot" posts. This is your exit ramp if the "he really sees this as a blog, doesn't he?" posts don't interest you.
Final warning. Last exit for miles. After the paywall here, there's no Illini. Just some guy blogging about his life.
Maybe ten of you will remember this, but last August, when writing the intro for players #12 through #9 on The 88 Illini, I told the story about a song I was obsessed with. It was an artist without an album or a label or even tour dates. Just some twenty-something writing songs and putting them on her Instagram. My algorithm sent her to me. Her name: Jackie Evans.
Here's what I wrote last August:
While shaving before my shower, I listened to a song I've been obsessed with. Well, it's not really even a song. It's an artist sharing part of a song she's writing. And she's not a famous artist. I went and looked to see if she put this video on YouTube (that's the easiest thing to embed) and it's not there. Her YouTube channel? 264 subscribers. She's never released an album, it's just a girl with a piano writing songs, but.... this is the best piece of music I've heard in 2025.
It speaks to me on the level I'm seeking when I sit down to write Illini words for you. The reason I don't share my articles anywhere or advertise my site is because I want you to discover me the same way I discovered her: it's so good that it can't not find it's way to you.
The season is less than two weeks away. I took an evening off and went golfing with my son. We then had dinner with my wife/his mom. I go to take a shower and as I'm shaving, I pull up this song and it hits me square in the soul:
LINK
Given where I was last August and where I am today, I'm not sure a single line from a song could hit me harder than "great is my wasted time."
I'll blame this heart of mine.
It doesn't matter if you didn't understand why that line meant so much to me. Just stay with me here.
We're now 10 months later and Jackie Evans has released a fair number of complete songs. She's gaining a decent amount of notoriety (at least in the social media arena). She hasn't put out an album yet, but I've downloaded every single single she's released. I am, as the kids say, a total fanboy.
And as I said above, that approach connects with me in the "why I don't advertise subscriptions to my website and rarely share links to my articles" place. If I was ever a musical artist, I feel like I'd release a few songs and see if the world reacted to them. If word-of-mouth didn't work – if what I had created wasn't treated with "check out this song I think you'd really like it" by those hearing it – then maybe the music isn't worth sharing. I feel like so much of the world would be better off with this approach.
Back in April, my wife and I took a vacation down to the gulf coast. We were headed through Tallahassee the next day so I looked up local events to see if there were any local concerts. Sure enough, one of my wife's favorite bands, Lake Street Dive, was playing at an amphitheater in Tallahassee. I look at the event page. The opener for Lake Street Dive?
This was her first tour. And on April 23rd, when we'd be in Tallahassee, that tour would be in Tallahassee. When Jackie Evans wins her first Grammy, I'll now be able to say that I discovered her when she had a few thousand followers AND that we saw her in the fourth concert of her first tour as an opener.
We went to the concert and had a blast. She noted during her set that she had her "first ever t-shirt" at the merch tent so we went to buy one for my wife. We then grabbed some drinks and while heading back to our seats for Lake Street Dive, we noticed that Jackie Evans was now at the merch tent. A bunch of 20-something girls were lined up to meet her and maybe get her autograph. And a 53 year-old Illini blogger joined them.
My wife had to convince me. I did the "it's too embarrassingggggggg" thing for a bit. But my wife pulled the "I'll get her to sign my shirt" card and so we got in line. Like a teenager, I practiced what I might say. I realized that I should just be honest with her. The tidbit of a song – the one she said "I think I'm going to call it 'Alibi'" on the video clip – had spoken to me. And I that's what I would want her to know.
If you didn't click on the link above, here's the clip of the song again. I'll embed it this time so you can just press "play."
We reached the front of the line. My wife and I both said hello and she signed my wife's shirt (in fact, if you want to see her signing my wife's shirt on the merch table – and I have zero clue why you would want to – it's in this video that Jackie Evans posted). As she was signing the shirt, I was doing the "you're really not going to say anything?" inside. My wife, knowing me better than anyone on the planet, gave her the "you're his favorite artist in the world" lead-in and the dam broke.
"Have you finished 'Alibi' yet? It's the single best song I've heard in the last year."
She seemed confused at first. I wasn't sure if it was "why does this bearded midwestern fellow think I'm his favorite artist if I've never released an album?" or if it was a simple confusion because the song is now titled something else but her friend – the one taking the video linked above – stepped in much like my wife had just done for me. "She finished it. And it's awesome. We can't wait for her to release it."
That helped her remember what song I was referencing. I told her how the opening of the song – "I've been many people since I saw you last, every one a little closer to my very best" – was perfection for my "I don't feel like I'm providing what the world wants from me but I need to pause at times and see that I've gained ground" brain. She thanked me and that was that.
At least I thought that was that. My wife wanted a picture. OK, I wanted a picture, and I have a wife who knows that I'd want a picture yet would never ask for a picture, so she asked "can we get a picture?" And that's how this picture happened:
My first reaction when seeing that: The fanboy look on my face is so dumb. No 53 year-old man should take such a photo. It's close to the "creepy" line if not over it.
My second reaction: That moment helped center me more than any other moment the last few months. In Houston and in Indianapolis, I took maybe 25 photos like that with people who were fans of the blog or my Twitter account. And it means something to me that I mean something to them. So when I have the opportunity to deliver the same "the things you create mean something to me" message, why not step into it?
That's all this is. Titles like "blogger" or "sportswriter" don't really describe what I do. I'm trying to create things that mean something to you. And when I get sucked into the vortex of "here's what you should be writing about", I lose that. Getting to be on the other side of that conversation when chatting with Jackie Evans helped me find it again.
I don't know why I needed to tell you that today, but I did. Framing the world with "it means something to me that I mean something to you" is what I needed to rediscover this offseason. When there's something as significant as a Final Four run, I can get so sucked into what I "should" be writing. I put all of this pressure on myself.
Writing this takes it away. Remembering that you're here for the lyrics puts the needle back in the groove for me. Over-the-top passion is my crime.
And my greatest alibi.
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