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Guru Speak Dictionary
by Earthdog Fred (copied mercifully from Jayhawk Slant)
As the recent flap over Greg Swaim’s evaluation of Jeremy Case (a KU verbal commitment for 2003) demonstrated, recruiting evaluation season is dangerous period in which the Flock can be easily misled. Gurus, even our own beloved Shay, need to constantly curry favor with AAU coaches, HS coaches, parents and players. It’s part of their job. Accordingly, their evaluations of even the lamest prospect are inevitably positive. For crying out loud, a guru once compared Nicky Bradford to Penny Hardaway. Nevertheless, hidden within these fawning words there is usually a “real” indication of the kid’s potential – if you know what to look for.
With that in mind, and as a service to the community, we now bring you the Official Jayhawk Slant Guide to Guru Speak.
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“Great footwork and agility for a player of this size. Still raw offensively, but is already a force at the defensive end.” See also, “he has tremendous upside.”
TRANSLATION: Honestly, there is not one good thing we can say about this kid’s game. He might make someone a fine soccer goalie, but he is totally lost on a basketball court. He has upside only because he is friggin awful.
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"Look for this previously unranked player to shoot up the rankings this summer."
TRANSLATION: This kid just verbaled to a school everyone has heard of. He still sucks, however.
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"If he improves his [strength, quickness, ball handling, etc.], the sky is the limit. He could be a real steal."
TRANSLATION: That is all true. However, it is also true that if this kid grows 13", adds 100 pounds of muscle, and develops the footwork of a ballerina, he will be the next Shaquille O'Neal. Frankly, the latter is more likely.
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“He may be the best dunker in the class and has an emerging mid-range game.” See also, “A slasher who always looks to take it hard to the rim.”
TRANSLATION: This kid is 50/50 at best to even hit the rim from 8 feet. With lots of work someday he may be able to make a free throw.
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“He may be the best pure shooter in the class. Is working on, and his improved, his lateral quickness.”
TRANSLATION: His lateral quickness has improved, but he still can’t guard a dead cat on the perimeter. The day he graduates from high school will be the last open jump shot he ever sees. Struggles to beat the 10 second clock even when unguarded.
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“This 6’4”, 225 pound SG averaged 26 points and 18 rebounds last year while shooting 65% from the field.”
TRANSLATION: Shooting guard my ass. If he averaged 18 boards and shot 65% while playing on the perimeter, he’d be in the friggin’ NBA. He isn’t. He is an undersized PF. This kid has the physical maturity of a 25 year old, a butt the size of a Buick, and hasn’t been out of the paint in 3 years.
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“He is a [insert name of NBA player] – type.” See also, “he reminds us alot of [insert name of NBA player].”
TRANSLATION: This all depends on the player to whom he is compared. Here are a few examples.
Michael Jordan – This kid shaves his head and sticks his tongue out after dunks.
Magic Johnson – This kid is 6’9” and once dribbled the ball down court without bouncing it off his feet. Had an assist last year.
Larry Bird – This is a pudgy, white kid who can’t jump over a phone book. He shoots the ball from high above, and slightly behind, his head. He has to. Otherwise anyone over 6 feet tall would send it into the cheap seats.
Jeff Hornacek – This kid is butt ugly. However, he can shoot if left wide open.
Charles Barkley – This kid is 6’4” x 6’4”.
Greg Ostertag – This kid has verbaled to Kansas.
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“He is an absolute defensive stopper. He shut down LeBron James at The Big Time Pump-Up-My-Website Shootout Classic in Bumphuck, Kentucky.” See also, “lockdown defender.”
TRANSLATION: This kid’s offensive game is so bad that putting a basketball in his hands is considered a criminal offense in 37 states. This review also tells you that LeBron James had a hangover at The Big Time Pump-Up-My-Website Shootout Classic in Bumphuck, Kentucky.
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“Makes everyone around him better.” See also, “very unselfish” and “great distributor.”
TRANSLATION: This kid plays on an AAU team with 4 future Hamburger All Stars and is smart enough to give them ball (otherwise they would beat the crap out of him). You should be recruiting his teammates.
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“A coach’s dream, does all the little things, brings a lot of intangibles to the table.”
TRANSLATION: If you are looking to fill your 12th or 13th scholarship with a guy who will annoy the hell out of your regulars, this is your man. If not, keep looking.
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“A real gym rat.”
TRANSLATION: This kid is white.
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"Averaged 28 points, 8 rebounds and 6 assists per game in leading [name of small rural state high school] to the Class 2A State Championship."
TRANSLATION: Have you ever seen the level of competition in [enter name of small rural state] Class 2A ball? The freshman team towel boy at Oak Hill would drop 45 a game and dominate the boards in that league.
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“He has a 42” vertical, throws it down with the best of them and is a 45% 3 point shooter.”
TRANSLATION: This one requires further research. If he hit 45 of 100 three pointers during the past season, your biggest concern is that he will take his 42” vertical and go League. More likely you will find that over the past two years he banked in 5 of 11 three pointers cast up when the game was out of reach and that the 6 he missed were all airballs, one of which critically injured a cheerleader.
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"Thanks for your post!!!!"
TRANSLATION: This guru is thinking about calling someone. He will be back in few hours with a post describing the voicemail he left!!!!
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